Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Randomize
