I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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