Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
