It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
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