there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Randomize
