Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Boobs speak an international language.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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