We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
