he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Randomize
