Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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