My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
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