Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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