Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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