Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
