YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
