So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
