Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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