tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
