Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
