Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Randomize
