first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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