I think im going to throw up on grandma
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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