New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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