Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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