i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
