I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Pants are for mortals
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
