so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize