Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
