Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
