i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Randomize
