I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
