Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize