These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
