I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
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