my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
