It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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