i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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