Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
