sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize
