Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
