never play flip cup with pint glasses
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I'm at about main and main street
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
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