He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
