Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Randomize
