i would punch a child for taco bell
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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