i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
