So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
