fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
