@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
