and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize