My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize