My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
being pregnant is like rehab
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
