Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
