She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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