So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
