lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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