he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
