so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
