Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Randomize
