OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
