Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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