you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
I did not marry a roomba.
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