Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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