This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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