I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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